Last week I had my final chemo dose. I walked past the big red danger sign in the hallway of the hospital for the last time. Here there be dragons. Once your appointments are past the red sign you have crossed over to the cancer world.
People sit waiting for their test results and watch us walk past with fear in their eyes. I pull my hat off as I pass them, I want them to see that I am bald. I lift my chin and walk with swagger and also tears in my eyes. I call out hellos to the nurses, pharmacist, administrator, each one by name like it's fucking Cheers.
All of my injections have to be in the same arm, the same tired vein, because I had lymph nodes cut out on the other side, and by the end the vein is scarred internally by the chemo and they struggle to get the needle into position and it's brutally painful and I have scars like track marks inching down my arm. It takes four tries, but then it's in and it's the last one after 6 months of chemotherapy.
They ask me if I want to ring the bell, but I know that in that small room with its 8 chemo chairs there are people who will never be done chemotherapy. They are lifers until we meet again in death, as energy, and my allegiance is with all of them forever. The sick, the scared, each of us taking turns to cry, everyone so deeply kind.
I do not celebrate. I can't believe it, not yet. For a week after my last dose I feel more chemo sick than I have before, which makes sense since I have the most in me. My fingers and the scars from the mastectomy burn with nerve pain. Walking up one flight of stairs leaves me winded, muscles shaking. I lie in bed, I take hot baths, I watch the record-breaking snow fall.
And then suddenly, exactly one week after the final dose, I feel a glimmer of regular life move through my body. My fingers don't hurt. It feels like there is a Spring wind moving across a dormant field inside me, like I can imagine life again.
This isn't the end of the treatment road. I start monthly hormone suppressor shots in a couple weeks, I have 25 rounds of radiation ahead of me, one more surgery one the horizon, ten years of medicine at least, not to mention the always wondering.
But this weekend I will ring a bell to signal one stage passing.
I invite you to join me in this small ritual.
The moon is waning thin. This is a time of something painful passing away. The wheel is always turning and right now, collectively, we can mark an ending.
Declare it with me. That stage is over. Ring the bell.
BFB.
New on the Podcast
EP 254 WF - Patty Krawec: What If We Stayed In The Margins? (Part 1)
Patty Krawec is an Anishinaabe/Ukrainian writer and speaker belonging to Lac Seul First Nation in Treaty 3 territory and residing in Niagara Falls. Her current work and writing focuses on how Anishinaabe belonging and thought can inform faith and social justice practices. Her first book, Becoming Kin: An Indigenous Call to Unforgetting the Past and Reimagining Our Future was published in 2022 by Broadleaf Books. Her second book, Bad Indians Book Club: Reading At The Edge of a Thousand Worlds, is about the ways that marginalized writing and storytelling can help us reimagine the future.
Invitations: All Coven
Body Doubling and Pomodoro Writing Circle
Weekdays, 7-11am ET
"Quiet collective working, 5 minute breaks every 25 minutes." Hosted by Reed
Reconnecting with Your Body’s Wisdom - An Introduction to Embodiment
22 Feb, Saturday, 3:00 – 4:30 PM EST
"This circle is an invitation to gently reconnect with your body and tend to what it is holding; your memories, your feelings, your felt experience, and the quiet wisdom within." The circle is facilitated by Lise, a trauma-informed somatic healing practitioner, an embodiment mentor, and a circle facilitator.
Interview Dr. Ramakrishnan: The Neuroscience of Tarot
24 Feb, Monday, 2:00 – 3:00 PM EST
"Siddharth Ramakrishnan, PhD is a neuroscientist, artist, and educator. He is the Chair of Neuroscience and Professor of Biology at the University of Puget Sound and a recipient of the prestigious National Science Foundation CAREER award. In his book The Neuroscience of Tarot Siddharth unveils the fascinating dance between your body and brain that occurs while delivering or receiving a reading. Learn how this unconscious synergy allows you to process tarot imagery, attach personal meaning, and elicit emotional responses, laying the groundwork for prediction." Hosted by Risa.
Business Mastermind
25 Feb, Tuesday, 6:30 – 8:00 PM EST
"In these mastermind sessions, we take turns bouncing ideas off of each other, getting group feedback on things we're working on, and offering our shared support + spells to help create our dream businesses." Hosted by Holly.
New Moon in Pisces: Drawing Down Divination
27 Feb, Thursday, 8:00 – 9:30 PM EST
"For this circle, come prepared to move your body in whatever ways feel possible and celebratory for you. For a portion of this call, Amy will DJ and we will dance together to make a circle in the ether, to celebrate that we are alive and together and that the future is not written.
We invite you to bring art tools of your choosing (drawing, writing, clay, whatever) as well as a divinatory tool (tarot, oracle cards, bones, etc.)
"Revelry is a route toward revelation" writes Christopher Marmolejo. "Pleasure is a prophecy because it propels our living rather than our dying."
Together we'll revel, and draw down maps for the future." Hosted by Amy + Risa.
A Pleasing Late Winter Terror - Ghost Story-telling Session
28 Feb, Friday, 7:30 – 9:00 PM EST
"During the dark of late Winter, let's share some ghost stories! I’ll have a couple of classics to read to you. And, if you’d like to, please bring a story to share, as well. No pressure whatsoever to bring anything, though - this event is every bit as much for those who have the talent for listening to and appreciating good stories." Hosted by Tess.
First Sundays Tarot Practice
2 Mar, Sunday, 1:00 – 2:00 PM EST
"Come to practice reading tarot with your covenmates. All learners are welcome. No experience necessary." Hosted by Heather.
Here's to endings, and beginnings.
oxo
R+A
